In my previous post I state that I do not share umbrellas and considering the line has little to do with the overall post, imagine my surprise when it became a discussion between me and four other people.
“You wouldn’t share your umbrella with me?”
See this comes as a shock to my family and friends who know that normally I’m pretty dang nice. So incredibly nice that at times it seems I have no spine, but that’s beside the point. I’m simply Midwest mannered except for one true thing and that’s sharing an umbrella.
To make this very clear let me tell you a quick story.
One evening I was meeting friends and classmates for a drink prior to participating in a poetry reading. I checked the weather and it said chance of rain. I texted my friends and told them to bring an umbrella because I don’t share.
“LOL,” was their response.
While having drinks it began to rain and it did not stop by the time we had to walk down the street to the reading. My friends did not bring umbrellas like I told them, so I suggested they grab a free city paper. It was at this time I opened the door and bolted down the street with my umbrella, leaving everyone behind. Yes, they looked perplexed, but I warned them just as I warn you now.
I don’t share umbrellas and here’s why:
- The burden of responsibility to keep you dry while you walk freely is unfair and stressful, no matter how hot you are.
- Being the taller one of all my peeps means I risk permanent eye injury from being jabbed by one of those little metal poky things along the outside or lose pieces of my hair as it gets snagged in the hinges because you don’t hold it high enough or know how to control it in the wind. Breathe; you’re having a panic attack.
- Hand cramps and elbow lock is a mother, especially if you insist on walking on the same side all of the time.
- I can’t mind-read when you decide to stop, turn or slow your pace, but I’m expected to do this while dodging awnings, puddles, and other umbrella holders (poor souls).
- You’re talkie-talk and I can’t hear you with all the rain pitter-pattering near my ears. What? I didn’t say I liked Paris I thought you said Ferrets.
- I’m still soaking wet with messed up hair by the time we reach our destination and you probably are too since I’m the worst at sharing an umbrella. Don’t be a hater; I tried to tell you.
So see, I’m really saving you the humility of arriving wet or being sadly disappointed about your “like in the movies” romantic rain walk. Next time you see two people sharing an umbrella come back and tell me which one had the happily-ever-after look.
“But what if Madonna asks you to share your umbrella?”
Nope, not even for Madonna, she’s too short for my ride.
However, in conclusion I am nice, so instead of sharing I would give you my umbrella (unless I was doing a reading) and run beside you with my head under my coat or newspaper.
You might get a cheap broken umbrella I found on the street, but you and Madonna would figure it out no doubt.
Now watch this video for fun.
Nope, not even Rihanna, though she tempts me by getting this song stuck in my head.