Writing Infidelity II

Posted: April 6, 2011 in Darks

After much thought on the topic of guilt I have come to this conclusion about myself:

I feel guilty when I write because I have a devotion to my writing that never dwindles. I loved writing long before I ever loved another person. It’s my first love and will always be the passion that burns me.

There is something deeply rooted inside me that says I will one day be famous. What that fame looks like changes according to how I change, but it has always been my truth.

Now that I’m older, partnered, and with children, I have discovered a new voice. The one that creeps in at undesirable moments and asks, “but what if you’re not?” What if I am never successful at this writing thing and all this work, time, and battle after battle is for nothing? What if the time I take away from my family to write is lost with no payoff? A payoff that I have now made my most important goal in order for them to have every tool they need to pursue their own dreams.

Perhaps the guilt also comes from the fact that I’m not an honest person. I’m the kind of person who will find any excuse to create. I’ll disappear right before your eyes. I don’t need a pen and paper. Did I sort laundry for twenty minutes or write a couple paragraphs? Am I sneaking out of bed because I need a Tylenol or am I writing on toilet paper?

It is my truth whether it’s your lie. Do I feel guilty? Yes, but I’m starting to fall in love with this new emotion. It torments me, fuels me, and inspires me.

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