Posted: June 16, 2011 in Darks, Motivation

I think of several things to write about all day long, but when my alone time arrives, I feel drained of all life. My fingers are dragging across each letter in an attempt to connect with someone, anyone, maybe no one.
Today I realized that my lack of discipline spurs from two places, accountability and fear. I don’t allow my audience to really know anything about me—sure I’ll share stories, but it ends there.

By trying so hard to remain anonymous, I’ve created a wall. This wall protects me on many levels. If my blog sucks or I decide I’m over the process I can move on without any thought because I’ve invested very little and therefore have no accountability regarding my actions. Also, I deny myself the opportunity to admit my failings, which stunts my growth as a writer.

Fear probably sounds like something typical. People can fear failing or success or fear offending others or simply fear criticism, but mine comes from a different place.

When I was ten my mother finally managed to escape my father’s abuse by literally hiding from him. We moved in the night from one city to the next and never talked about our lives. I grew up feeling as if my father would bust through the door at any moment and kill her.

To hide is exhausting because you over think every detail of your life and are always looking over your shoulder. Yes, we became our own Lifetime movie.

I share this because I’m tired of hiding, but I’m still in the over thinking paranoia phase and it feels ridiculous twenty-some-years later. I want to be a published writer not afraid to use my own name.

There are patterns in my writing where I see myself hiding my true voice. I won’t even use my real name on Facebook and will unfriend people to start a new account when I feel too “connected.”

Yet, on days when I feel rebellious, as if I could flip every person I pass the bird, I’ll post some corny bit on YouTube for the world to see. I’ll start a blog, post a poem, or write another chapter. Then when I start getting a little buzz and make some new friends I shut down and go back to my dark place of hiding.

So, as part of my journey toward the light I have decided to start piecing my own puzzle together. You’ll start to notice one piece at a time coming together and maybe by the end of the year we’ll have a new image.

If my father ever happens to stumble upon these words, consider this last sentence equal to my middle finger.

Fiercely Yours,

  1. Jennifer Long/Janus Photo Arts says:

    I look forward to those pieces. Always have. 🙂

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