LOST CLARITY

Posted: July 27, 2011 in Just Life, Motivation

It’s been a while since my last walk and today I decided to venture out in search of a new neighborhood to case. The area had winding paths and huge houses on top of steep hills, which gave my lower half a burning workout. Not until I started wishing for the bottle of water I left in my car did I realize that I was lost.

Lost while walking is not a bad thing because it not only gives you an excuse to be late returning to your life, but it gives you the opportunity to keep moving.

Normally, I day dream about living in such large homes with a car or three to match, but today something changed. My dreams really aren’t my own. Somewhere along the path, I’ve created a world that doesn’t match my inner one.

I am fighting myself at this point and have allowed my imagination to be dominated by what everyone else around me wants for themselves. Do I want a big home or do I want this because I think it would make my family happy?

My mother never owned a home nor did her parents, they were at times homeless, and growing up we always lived in apartments. She did her best to give me a better life than hers.

It once was a desire of mine to buy her a home until a couple of years ago when she finally managed to buy one for herself and instead of being happy for her, I felt worried and even disappointed.

Here she is in her late fifties, making ten bucks an hour, at the beginning of a housing crash, signing for a $90k mortgage, and she takes a leap of faith. What else should she have done, wait for me to finish dreaming up a plan?

The first thing she said to me over the phone after she signed the papers was, “I bought us a home. Now we always have a place to live.” It was heart breaking, but a well-earned moment of happiness for her.

I’ve been getting caught up in trying to provide better for my family that I have been blind to the fact that we already own a home, the kids are already are getting a better education than I had, and they are never hungry. These three things were most important to me when agreeing to start a family.

Over time, our needs will change and it will be time to move forward, but for now, I need to accept where I’m at in this life. What I want most now is to be happy, safe, and loved. I want my family to be happy, safe, and loved.

I cannot guarantee that owning a 1.2 million dollar home will fulfill these abstract needs. It’s time to refocus and stop being lost in a world that may or may not exist.

I’m still focused on my goals, learning to make fire, and becoming the writer I see every night when I go to bed. However, today my journey showed me a new path. I am going to find a way to pay off my mom’s house. I have no idea how I’m going to do this, but if it means taking a leap of faith, then so be it.

We all deserve to be happy, safe, and loved. So, don’t ever let anyone tell you getting lost is a bad thing.

Oh and how did I eventually find my car you ask… my new iPhone had an app for that.

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Comments
  1. I think keeping perspective is important in writing too. Success isn’t always the million dollar home/award-winning bestseller. Maybe it’s writing a book that makes you happy. That’s something I’m trying to remember now, anyway.

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