DO WEIRD PEOPLE HAVE WEIRD FUNERALS?

Posted: August 4, 2011 in Darks, Just Life
Tags: , , , ,

I often ask myself this question because I cannot decide whether a funeral should be about simply giving closure the way the living needs or if one’s service should be symbolic to how one lived.

Unfortunately, if my mother were to dictate my service it would be through the religion she practices and I would be buried in a dress (can you hear me screaming). For those of you who don’t know me, I haven’t worn a dress since prom, unless you count for the less appropriate dress wearing moments then let’s just say its been a while.

So to avoid any confusion here is an outline for my top ten weird arrangements.

  1. Closed casket: I don’t want people touching me, slipping stuff into my already cramped space, or remembering me lifeless. Just put some pictures up or do a slideshow, but beware I’m not photogenic so if you must—feel free to laugh.
  2. I will be wearing a black shirt with jeans and cons, so will all my guests (cons are optional). You know you love to match.
  3. There will be a $20 cover charge. This will weed out all the riff raff.
  4. No perfume, incense, sage, or anything pretty or funky smelling. No one needs a sinus headache added to the situation.
  5. No flowers. I want balloons and if the kids attend, they can release them later. Yes, I realize it is an environmental hazard, but their closure is more important.
  6. I do not care about my casket let it be the cheapest one, but I want a cool headstone, one that will catch a joggers attention. In addition, I would like a quote from Eminem carved along the top and if you can get him to come that would be awesome.
  7. Burn all my scraps of writing and put the ashes in Baggies to give out in grab bags. I was torn between cremations and burial so this will represent my truest form. There will be more than enough for everyone, so fighting will not be necessary and everyone can do, as they will.
  8. Grab Bags: Yes, how neat is that? Each bag will have the above ashes, a bookmark, a journal (I have plenty of blank ones), and a precious item from my basement.
  9. I want everyone to sing Madonna’s Like a Prayer, so I suggest you learn the lyrics (though you should know them already) and if you can get her to come make sure, she autographs my casket.
  10. Go out dancing and request Like a Prayer because seriously, I love that song.

These arrangements will expire in five years from now if I am still alive because people change—look at Anne Rice.

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Comments
  1. matts1970 says:

    I have idiots in the world confuse my gender..i want my headstone to say something smarmy like Born a man, Died a Man DUMBASS!

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