I AM NOT A CLARK

Posted: November 15, 2011 in Darks, Just Life, Motivation
Tags: , ,

I lost quite a few followers the day after I compared some of Wonder Woman’s parts to camel parts and then I lost even more when I started my dark journey toward disappearance. I get it; it’s easy to be depressed about our own lives without walking that same path in someone else’s shoes.

Unfortunately, I’m a writer that travels back and forth because it’s what I know, it’s how I live, feel, and express myself. I’m in a relationship with light one day and having an affair with dark the next. So whether you’re a familiar reader or a new one, hang in there, some days you’ll want to unsubscribe and on others, you’ll want to share.

Now that I got that off my mind, I would like to share something about one of my favorite movies, Superman II.  It was the only movie I owned as a kid because it’s the only one my dad ever bought. During my weekend visits with him, I would watch it repeatedly while he slept off his Friday night.

I never understood Superman’s need to be Clark Kent and it completely annoyed me when he gave up his super powers to be with Lois Lane. However, now that I’m older with more life experience and a family I totally get what he was trying to do before those three villains threw a wrench in his plan.

See for me being a writer is like being Superman. I feel invincible, my senses are all in use, and at times, I can fly.  Writing is my power and without it, I’m just Clark Kent, awkward and mediocre.

Writing though has somehow evolved into a burden. If I don’t pursue it, I feel as if I’m not listening to my calling. It’s something that has spoken to me since I first learned to read and without it, I feel lost. Words come to me constantly like whispers. I cannot ignore them for they know I need them.

When I decided to have a family I didn’t want to be that parent who sacrificed my quality time with the kids by locking myself in the basement to write, but I didn’t expect to sacrifice the only thing I ever loved prior to them either.

A few weeks ago I decided to pack up my desk, my books, and all of my writing projects thinking it would help me move forward with a healthier plan. My basement is a wreck and we need the space for the kids. Writing is a sore subject between my partner and I so I avoid the subject as much as possible. I feel childish, selfish and frustrated to the point that it doesn’t feel worth the effort to even bother anymore.

Superman falls in love with Lois who also falls in love with him and he decides to give up his powers to be with her. He destroys everything and walks away with her to be happy ever after, but there are a couple of problems. One, villains like my whispers are calling for him to return as Superman and second, Lois fell in love with Superman not Clark.

So what does he do? He’s standing around looking for some sign, some clue, something to help him figure everything out and he’s obviously feeling tormented, when he sees his green crystal that dumb Lois left under her purse. The only thing left behind that gives him the strength to recreate his true self.

I’ve been trying to live as Clark. Trying to fit in and be connected on that human level, packing up the only world I’ve known in hopes of becoming a better person and living a happier life with those I love.

I stood in my bedroom feeling lost and tormented the other day. My villains calling for me to write, but I realized I had not even a notepad left so I started going through my drawers and I found a red journal. A journal that has sentimental value and for some reason didn’t get packed. For some reason it stayed behind waiting for the moment when I would need it the most, so I could write.

In the end Lois gets a memory losing kiss and forgets about all the bullshit, a power I unfortunately lack, but all I can do is be true to myself and move forward from here as a writer, as myself.

I guess my dad buying that movie and sleeping in was the best gift he ever gave me.

 

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