Posted: February 3, 2012 in Just Life
Tags: , , , , ,

If I had an unlimited amount of money, I would buy all professional football teams and do with them whatever I wanted.

First, I would take scissors to anyone with hair hanging out of their helmet. It’s disgusting and reminds me of a hair clump all wet and long from the shower drain. Gag.

Second, I would implement the following:

Uniforms shall be replaced with fury costumes. How fun would it be to watch the players run around wearing Raven costumes. However, any team without a loveable fury creature for a mascot would need to be re-branded. The Giants might look good as the New York Foxes, the Patriots as Dalmatians, and swap Packers for Penguins. As a special fun bonus, they would all wear Winker jeans.

Oh, but then how would we tell people apart you ask? We wouldn’t because it’s a team sport and shouldn’t matter if Michael Vic is awesome at dog fighting—oops, I mean catching or throwing or whatever made him forgivable. Who cares, they get paid millions of dollars to play a game.

The only one making a million on my team would be the pre-school teacher I’d hire to replace the coach. Don’t you think a one who throws a temper tantrum about an interception by punching or kicking the air should have a timeout on his nap mat instead of making more money than half the fans combined?

Then I would replace the ball with an egg to promote sensitivity as when we had to pretend an egg was a baby in high school. This method is quite effective and the first team to break their egg loses, saving us hours of unnecessary television time. This does make tackling an issue, so how about freeze tag instead? Yes! Photographers could still get some great action shots like that of Tiger frozen in place, stretching outward on his back paw while balancing an egg on one claw.

Obviously, I am not a fan of football and secretly hope for its demise. So, why will I be watching the 2012 Super Bowl? MADDONNA, MADONNA, MADONNA!

Picture me on my knee like Tebow, praising the Lord during half time because Madonna makes me want to smack some ass—in that macho football way of course.

 Oh Madonna the things I do for you.

  1. I just love your way of introducing elementary classroom education into this supposedly (but only supposedly…) very manly sport. I’d prefer to watch your version, really! 😀

  2. Love it, LOVE IT! Great way to start the morning, with a nice hearty laugh. 🙂

  3. themadgayman says:

    I dislike professional football (and most high school football) because they worry too much about money. It’s all about how much they make instead of actually learning to work together. Besides, I believe football continues to separate everyone from one another because it creates competition among the masses: “My football team is better than yours.” Just more corporate propaganda to mindfuck America. Plus, it’s boring as balls.

  4. t says:

    You are my new hero!

    Let me know if you’ll be needing donations for this vital and timely cause. And please make sure that when it comes to fruition, at least ONE of the teams will have to dress like an army of Liza Minnelli’s!

  5. Awesome. Brilliant. 🙂

  6. jayrain says:

    I guess I should be excited about the super bowl this year because “my team” is in it, but honestly? I don’t care. I’ve never really cared, even when I was supposed to pretend I did. And this year I’m done pretending. I might care more if they implemented your reforms, though! 😉

  7. Thanks for stopping by Ink in My Coffee. Love your ideas for Stupid Bowl — good stuff!

  8. adultsatires says:

    He he he, I never did like sports…. 🙂

  9. Silva Gang says:

    I do love football… but I like the way you think. The idea of furry costumes and Winker jeans does add an element of fun. It would be hard to take an athlete seriously who is dressed like that. Take the NBA’s Dennis Rodman… his outfits aren’t even cute, and people don’t take him seriously. 😉

  10. robincoyle says:

    I wish the NFL would require all teams to hire team barbers along with trainers and nutritionists. All that hair drives me mad!

  11. t.a. says:

    Yes, yes, and yes!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s