COFFEE IN THE HOOD

Posted: April 21, 2012 in Just Life
Tags: , , , ,

"I enjoyed drinking a Tweaker in the hood."

How come Starbucks won’t come to my hood?

I realize that incorporating “WE ACCEPT WIC” into the brand is a compromise, but there is real money to be made here. Between the drug trafficking, prostitution, and government funding who could ask for a better location.

Sure, you might not be able to sit writing the story of your life on your Mac without getting jacked, but everyone likes a good coffee.

All Starbucks would need to do is make a few changes and I have made a list to help them out.

  • Lids that spin like rims.
  • No paid employees, that’s what foster kids are for, bringing in extra cash.
  • One size fits all cups. It confuses people to order a “Tall” and get a small or a “Grande” to get a medium and what does “Venti” mean?
  • Have a menu that relates to the clientele with drink names like:

 Yo Popo

Baby Daddy

Mama Drama

Smack-A-Bitch

Shorty

Chin Check

Playa-Hater

Riker’s Island

Skeezer

True Dat

Tweaker

Wangsta

Buttaface

Ghettobird

187

  •  Every beverage is the same, no matter the name because all the customers are high. They won’t figure it out, but if they do all the glass is bullet proof.
  • Stripper Pole

Look at the logo, I think she's tossing signs.

           

Was Snoop the inspiration behind the logo?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A post I read over at Suburban Enlightenment inspired the above brilliance.

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Comments
  1. Aimee says:

    First, I love you. Second, with Starbucks excellent social action, you’d think they wouldn’t discrimate like that. The need to bring that gig to every hood. Now.

    This cracked me up.

  2. robincoyle says:

    bahahahah. Brilliant. Let us know if Starbucks moves to your neighborhood.

  3. Jennifer Long/Janus Photo Arts says:

    Amazing! One of your best!!!

  4. Bird says:

    laughed my butt off!!

  5. charles says:

    I think the addition of a stripper pole would bring in business for Starbucks everywhere, not just the ghetto! And a beverage called “187” would sell like hotcakes!

  6. Lauren says:

    The Starbucks lady really does look like that pic of snoop! I wonder if you would get writers block if you moved out of the ‘hood :).

  7. I like “one size fits all cups”. (: I live in a small town with five Starbucks. The sixth one closed just last month because it was the one which profited the least.

  8. Julius James DeAngelus says:

    that’s awesome…

  9. Cedelle says:

    My face is frozen with laughter. After Mama Drama, it was hard to keep a straight face!

    Plus: that’s so true- what the hell is a venti? XD

    ~C

  10. emosensei says:

    you are effing hilarious. awesome.

  11. artboy68 says:

    Agreed. Hilarious.

  12. daisyfae says:

    i’m reasonably functional (most day), and I can’t figure that ‘venti’, ‘grande’ and ‘gigantacup’ crap out… the Kwik-E-Mart has cups labeled “16”, “20”, ’24” and “Defibrillator”. i can figure that out.

  13. susielindau says:

    I think you should send this straight to the top execs! Hilarious!

  14. weelilwimsy says:

    You are one funny lady! Being from the Northwest where there are Starbucks on every corner, It seems like discrimination if you ask me….I think you could be very persuasive as their PR person. I have a bumper sticker that uses the Starbucks logo and says, “I Love Coffee and Guns”. That could be your pitch for the new stores!

  15. Janece says:

    I’ll take a Venti Wangsta with an extra shot of Buttaface, hold the foam. Unless, of course, I can use it on the pole! 😉 Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a nice comment.

  16. Hilarious. What an astute observation about the logo. A real slice of the hood….uh, maybe slice is a bad word choice…

  17. Lol…I never realized that the Starbucks’ lady in the logo was throwing up signs…nice observation!

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