DOOM AND GLOOM

Posted: May 2, 2012 in Darks, Just Life
Tags: , , , ,

I’ve been away from blogging the last couple of weeks for three reasons. One I’m focused on writing my new novel, second I’m submitting pieces of various works to publications and lastly I’m preparing for the end of the world.

The first two are much easier now that I understand the work involved for planning a doomsday event. Somebody needs to start a Doomsday Planner business and if that someone does just remember me later.

My biggest concerns about such an event are the amount of people I am surrounded by and having the proper water purification process/supply.

I spent about a week wandering up and down my block trying to guess how many people live in each house. Why, you ask? It’s the city and I need to know what I’m up against.

  • There are sixty row houses on my block with an average of four people living in each one. So, if there’s a riot for survival I need to fight off 240 people on my block alone. This does not include my estimation of 1,326 people living in the surrounding one-block radius.
  • I’ve come to the realization that the use of blow darts will no longer work as a line of defense. I need some Charles Bronson tactics and night vision goggles.
  • I’m fat enough to survive about a month without eating, but then I figured the rest of the family might try to eat me first if they were starving. I’m thinking canned Tuna and Luna bars will keep everyone happy and full.
  • Then there’s the issue of water. You need a minimum of one gallon per person, per day. We would need 120 gallons of water to survive a month. Do you know how much space that takes up?
  • If we run out of purified water then I had planned on drinking rainwater from the roof until an article reported that you could die from bird and bug feces. Living in the city, everything is bombed by pigeons, which are the dirtiest. Can you say Chlorine Dioxide Tablets boys and girls?
  • Chlorine Dioxide is moving off the shelves fast, so you better hurry. I suggest experimenting with the purification process before the end of the world arrives just in case you do it wrong and make yourself sick—at least you can still go see a doctor.
  • I don’t share umbrellas with others when it rains. Now imagine what I’ll be like when the family realizes we only have one gas mask. What? They’re expensive.
  • A note to Walmart: If you create an aisle just for Doomsday I’ll become your most loyal customer and greet people for free. I swear.
  • Imagine what a new world order would look like if only the customers from Walmart survived. Maybe drinking pigeon-shit water is best after all.

If you would like to hear what my voice sounds like in an empty room and read one of my newly published pieces of micro-fiction called “Responsibility” click here.

Thank you Hoot for the honor and adding a bit of joy to my gloomy week!

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Comments
  1. jacksontz says:

    Bummer that you live in the city. My house has a well which uses groundwater. Plus way less bird poop, leaving buckets out probably wouldn’t be a problem.

    As far as the end of the world goes living out in they country gives you HUGE advantages, so I think I’ll be pretty good, good luck though!

  2. TBM says:

    I also live in a city and you raise many valuable points. My deck chairs are defaced by pigeons so I can only imagine what would happen to the water. I’m surprised Wal-Mart has not really prepared for this with an aisle. Best of luck to you!

  3. troy7377 says:

    my doomsday plan is to watch a lot of DVD’s and eat Doritos and see what my dog drinks, if it doesn’t kill him, it won’t kill me. I practice everyday.

  4. crubin says:

    Oh, that was a good one. Thanks for some humorous cynicism to get my day started. And I like commenter troy7377’s doomsday plan. I don’t think I have energy for anything more exotic than that, although I might add some chocolate to my list of food items.

  5. Jixi Fox says:

    I too working on a book. kudos…we ROCK. I wish you luck and success.

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