WRITER ON THE EDGE

Posted: October 25, 2012 in Darks, Just Life
Tags: , , , ,

Tonight I am in trouble.

The dark side is calling me and I think you all know what this means.

I’m teetering on the edge, ready to fall into an abyss of self-gratification, and drown in the mass of my own words.

I keep trying to beat this vicious dog down with a stick to the nose, but its teeth are locked and I am bleeding.

Some people hear voices and get medication. I hear stories and have no pills. My insanity is my sanity.

I teeter between what I dreamt for myself and the place where I am currently stationed. Somehow they don’t match up, but they’re expected to work together as a team.

Last night I went to bed at 5 p.m. and pulled the covers over my head so I could cry about everything. I cried on and off all night until my alarm went off at 6 a.m. and I didn’t feel any better.

Lately I feel more like a shadow than a person, much less a writer. Unnoticed, just there, always attached to the motion of others.

I feel incredibly stuck and uninspired no matter the actions I take to move forward as someone with someplace to arrive.

I’m also feeling guilty. I’ve read over my posts dating back to May, which is like three, and realize that I’ve been battling with myself for half the year. WTF? What are my followers thinking? Up until May I had some fun things to share, sure some moody bits here and there, but I know everyone prefers my fun side and I try to deliver. However, I’m in a funk here people!

What can I write about that might interest you other than this melancholy crap I keep posting? I have a bunch of ideas trapped in my mind, but I can’t seem to break through this negative spirit. I need a good yank, a sign, or gust of wind to push me off the edge.

Somebody please help me.

 

 

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Comments
  1. A Lot Of The Time, I Feel As You Do.
    Locked-Up.
    Lost In My Own Thoughts, Unable To Make Them Spring Forth And Release Me.
    I’m Unsure Of How To Help.
    I Wish I Knew.
    I Wish I Could.
    But Know This, You’re Not Alone.
    Please Do Take Care Of Yourself.
    I’d Pray For Your Thoughts To Release Themselves…
    …To Release You…
    …But I Don’t Pray.
    So I’ll Just Commiserate With You.
    Maybe It’ll Help Us Both.
    Maybe.
    -BRAD

  2. Meredeth says:

    Your writing is a gift. You wrestle with words and ideas and somehow manage to pin them both at the same time. That makes you either a superhero or an excellent writer. Your readers crave the humerous because it is a safe distance between writer and reader. Make us uncomfortable once in a while; it might make you feel closer to us, too.

  3. antahr says:

    I have been in the same funk…and then it occurred to me ‘Why am I not giving love to myself? Because creating is loving myself. It is like food, air, water. Even when it is crap.” So I am sharing a piece with you by a fellow writer that I shared with one of my friends who was S-T-U-C-K…hope it inspires you to let those little story babies out onto the paper! 🙂

    The Other D Word by Molly Tinsley

    Asked what they consider their greatest writing challenge, my workshop participants always cite discipline: if inspiration doesn’t find its way to paper or disk, it must be due to a lack of discipline.

    But try inverting this diagnosis: what if the obstacle to writing is too much discipline? Isn’t it discipline that compels us to do almost anything else instead: mow the grass, organize some piece of household or office entropy, honor to-do lists, and tightly schedule our time? And if we do manage to set aside all the discipline that facilitates our daily lives, we come up against the discipline we’ve learned to associate with writing: correct spelling and grammar, topic sentences and thesis statements, strictly defined assignments, all of which squeeze the air right out of the creative process.

    The next time you find yourself not writing, think about setting aside all the discipline that’s getting in the way. Get comfortable with your favorite beverage, writing implement, clipboard, and allow yourself to waste time. Daydream. Accept whatever comes to mind-a memory, an image, a what if. Record it in your messiest handwriting, on the diagonal, or sideways, across the lines. Forget logical connections; don’t worry about filling in gaps. Let yourself enter the undisciplined unknown.

    Molly Tinsley left the English faculty at the US Naval Academy to write full-time. Her story collection Throwing Knives won the Oregon Book Award; her most recent release is the memoir Entering the Blue Stone. Three years ago she donned the editor/publisher hat, co-founding the small press Fuze Publishing (www.fuzepublishing.com). She facilitates the workshops, Crafting Lively Dialogue and The Second Draft.

    • Hello dear friend. May I offer some thoughts? First. Define who your market is and “write to them” and no one else. Second. The “voice” in your head is a drama being enacted by your ego (we all have one) and it dsires to keep you right where you are. The solution? You can’t eliminate it so practice the habit of being in the NOW – present! Everytime the ego wants your attention (which will be all the time at first), change the channel. In time, you will gain greater mastery over this pain in the a_ _. Third. BEGIN!!! This is NOT about feelings and emotions! It’s about a decision – a choice! Only you can do it! Last. I’m a former extreme right wing evangelical and homo-phobe who now champions LGBT equality. Write to me!

  4. Sam Martino says:

    Oh the writer mind and the artist heart, writer heart and the artist mind…when shall the twain meet? I hope you find solace in knowing that your writing reaches out and grabs your readers by the throat, and we love it… take that writer friend and keep on keeping on…!

  5. troy7377 says:

    I would suggest going off topic. Get out of your head. Grab something from the news, serious or silly, something you would not normally write about and give it a stab. For instance, I wrote “The cage-fighting nun and the tank…an epic love story”, in response to Internet cartoonist/humorist ‘The Oatmeal’ rant on people on fb. And I mean I wrote it immediately after reading his story. Two people responded to it, thereby doubling my usual number of readers. Whoo, that number still makes me dizzy.

  6. David Eric Cummins says:

    Personally, I’d say don’t worry about what others want to see you write. As Bernie Rhodes said to The Clash: “Write about what affects you”. Write what you feel and people will relate to it.
    Best of luck! 🙂

  7. Scoots says:

    I don’t have anything to offer other than, as a fellow writer, I feel your pain. Going through some of the same things myself. Shadow. Great description.

  8. Believe it or not,, I get a lot of inspiration from listening to the radio.. I prefer public radio for this, especially those stations that play folk and traditional music. Stories of life basically, and pick out ideas from that.. I don’t know if it will work for you, but you can find every situation in one song or another.. Let your mind taste the music. Good Luck.

  9. Random says:

    Though it may not help much (or at all), I can tell you that I can relate to your experience. I’ve been in a funk — sometimes deep — for…well, for a long time. I think that feeling has me wallow in “the dark side” which, come to think of it, tends to call to me no matter what my mood. (Fitting, perhaps, being a 5 with a 4 wing, for you Enneagram people.)

    For the last eleven days, I’ve been playing a game, “13 days of Halloween,” which has gotten me writing about dark things. In other words, I’ve sort of jumped into the dark side, using the upcoming “holiday” as an excuse. As a result, I’ve been creeping myself out, but I’ve also found it inspiring.

    I hope you find whatever it is for you that pulls you back from the abyss. And, speaking for myself (of course), don’t assume that your “melancholy crap” is not interesting. You’re a good writer, and an interesting one.

  10. C.V. Perkins says:

    This post came in five days ago and I never saw it. It only just showed up in my inbox today. I’m sorry to hear you’re drowning. I’ve totally been there. Your outlet becomes your cage and fuels the fire. When it was at its worst, I couldn’t even ask other people for help. I’m very glad you did.

    I hope you don’t think we are upset because you haven’t posted. I’ve been wondering when you would post again, but you weren’t forgotten.

    My only suggestions are this: When I was down in the dumps, roleplay with other people helped get the juices flowing again. I could play out a little of my angst and go from there. I had to get back on medication because after awhile, even that stopped working. The medication pulled me up enough I could start to breathe again. I was still in up to my eyeballs, but I could tip my head and breathe a little air.

    The other is to know you’re not the only one to go through this. I have and I’m here, even if I am just words on a screen.

    As for what I want you to write? I don’t have any demands. I just hope to see something, anything from you soon so I know you’re okay. I would be sad to lose another potential friend. I’ve lost two already. I hope things get better soon, even if I really can’t offer any help. *hugs*

    Now that I’ve rambled on about nothing and you’re wondering why I’m still talking or why I even left this message, I guess it’s just because I care because I’ve been there and sometimes having someone to say so helps.

  11. tomachfive says:

    Man, you can definitely wing it. Others would just go catatonic and call it quits, while we write about our problems with writing. Once we have it we just keep getting at it until we are not writers anymore but hotdog vendors. Cheers!

  12. Whoa, random post, glad I read it, i can finally relate to someone!

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