Posted: May 17, 2013 in Just Life
Tags: , , , , , ,


It’s almost midyear so I thought I would send out an update on all I have accomplished regarding my 2013 Resolutions.

So far, I have failed at all but one.

I was on a good roll until the second week in January when I decided to attempt number seven on my list and stalk Roseanne Barr.

I realize I have not written since January and for that I apologize, but she is to blame and here’s what happened:

  1. She lives on a nut farm in Hawaii, which made it somewhat challenging to get close to her for the stalking. I drove 3,176 miles to Cabo San Lucas without stopping for over sixty hours. My bladder is strong and I own a Hybrid.
  2. Once I reached the waters, I had to flare my special smoke signal to catch a pirate boat. I’ve got toothless friends all over the world so it only took about five or ten minutes before someone showed up.
  3. After getting on the boat, which was more like an old truck welded onto oil barrels, I slept and that’s where everything went wrong.
  4. When I awoke I was surrounded by not one, but five Roseanne clones. They had captured my posse and me.
  5. For the next few months, we were forced to eat Macadamia nuts and water. It was torture because I hate water.
  6. Our daily exercise was ten minutes of jumping time on her enclosed trampoline. No matter how hard I jumped I was never able to break through the safety netting.
  7. The only bathing we were allowed was one ride down her pool slide with no smiling.
  8. All the rest of our days were spent back in our hand sewn teepee where we spent hours playing hangman in the dirt. Pirates cannot spell very well.
  9. I finally decided to barter for my escape, but the only thing I had were the clothes on my body. They weren’t her style, but to my surprise, I had been wearing the one thing all along that saved my life. Dirty panties! Who knew she had a panty-sniffing fetish.
  10. Yesterday I woke up safe in my bed with no clue how I got there and the words “VOTE GREEN PARTY” Sharpied on my forehead.

Therefore, the only thing I achieved on my whole list of resolutions was not recycling.

I had hoped to escape with my ripe panties and create a bidding war, but it’s back to the drawing board.

As for the pirates? They all married clones and are living happily ever after.

So that’s it in a nutshell—Wow, I never knew what that meant before.

Disclaimer: No Roseanne Barr’s were hurt in the writing of this post.

Photo Credit: Thugged from the Green Party website.

  1. Lea Walker says:


  2. Doctor Arkanoid says:

    You should be a screen writer! Very funny story of your Hawaiian Roseanne stalking adventure. Hmmm, maybe you should get in touch with the writers for the American TV series Hawaii FIVE O.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s