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I skipped my Search Engine Sabbath posting on Sunday because I had this feeling I might get struck down by lightening on a perfectly sunny day.  Ever have those kinds of days?

Instead, I decided to take a temporary detour out of the ghetto and cleanse my heathenish ways.

Fast forward: Whole Foods!

In the hood we have Super Fresh, fancy ACME, and the Dollar Tree.

Hitting a Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods is like trying to leave a gang, you just don’t.

So anyway, I grab a cart, and it’s tiny.

WTF? I think to myself, this won’t fit a two-liter case of generic cola and five bags of cheese puffs. My internal rant is then interrupted by a guy saying, “Excuse me, don’t forget to try our fresh pineapple samples.”

Startled, I turn to shank the bastard and he’s a damn pirate. You don’t believe me do you? I couldn’t believe it either so I took a photo as proof.

Whole Foods Pirate

It was a sign! I had to go all the way and here’s what I discovered:

The first produce I come across is Aeroponic Lettuce.

Aeroponic Lettuce

Is this some inside joke about us hood peeps being all hooked on phonics? Well guess what? Us Aeroponics don’t eat lettuce unless it’s on a Big Mac. Jokes on you Whole Food bangers.

Then here come the “hot deals.”

Donut Peach? I might be somewhat ignorant, but I don’t see no hole in that peach. Is that why it’s on sale?

Donut Peach

 

Organic Pluots? Tempting, but sounds like something from the devil. Not today my friend.

Organic Pluots

 

Then here’s where things got freakish. Bananas were not only suspended from racks above my head but this broccoli was on crushed ice, now that’s some real twisted shit.

Broc

I didn’t take a picture of the peanut zone, but let me just share with you that in the hood you never buy nuts from self-scoop bins. This was the first time I didn’t witness some poor dirty little kid elbow deep in cashews stuffing his face. The people scooping nuts were so clean it made me want to suck their fingers! So I bought some nuts.

Just as a side note: Whole Foods should make that scene into a commercial showing why they are better than Hood-Mart.

Then there’s the one item I can’t erase from my mind– this bag of hard-boiled eggs.

Hard boiled in bag

 

BOILED EGGS IN A BAG (GAG)!

However, I do question the intention of the brand name, Born Free. Are they trying to insinuate that the Egg came before the Chicken, cuz that seems to be somewhat sacrilege?

So if you ever need a day out of the hood, head on over to Whole Foods because you won’t want to miss out on this one…

Hemp IMG_5848

 

HEMP!

I plan to cut mine with baking soda and use the profit to try the Vegenaise next time, sounds kinky, right?

 

[Pic credits: Whole Foods logo is not mine, but the thug shots belong to me.]

 

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Comments
  1. Alyx says:

    Damn funny! LOL Thanks for the laugh on such a hot azz day!

  2. Julius James DeAngelus says:

    Loooooved this post – hilarious!

  3. scorpionglow says:

    LMAO! I do like Trader Joe’s, but I only go when forced.

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