Posted: August 24, 2013 in Just Life
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Happy Bag


I live between two corner stores.

One is spacious, clean, well lit, sells lotto tickets, and has a MAC machine (ATM for my Midwest hoodsters). They are invested in customer service and even sell fresh produce, but they don’t get nearly as much business as the other store.

Instead, the dark, stinky, mouse infested creep store with the twenty-point security camera system with all street views is one busy place.

Here’s how you know when your corner store is a front for something else:

Repeat customers: When you see the same guy make 7-15 trips to the store on foot within a six-hour window they either have severe munchies, OCD, or they are part of distribution.

Bags: The plastic bags are all black unlike the white ones with happy faces that say, “Thank you, have a nice day.”  Plus, the repeat customers never seem to leave with a bag, not even the one they went in with.

Muscle: Anyone who sits on a milk crate outside the store all day no matter the weather is not a cousin of the owner or making minimum wage. That guy will kill you if necessary.

Prices: They’re random. One day a 7-Up may cost $1.50 and the next $1.10, but if you don’t have exact change it’s just a dollar. This is code for get the hell out, quick before some shit goes down, we don’t want your nerd ass in here.

Fire: Every six to twelve months the store mysteriously catches on fire. It then gets a name change, usually something the letters can respell with little effort and some red duct tape– like PAPPOS to RORRAS.

Cops: No matter how many times they get robbed, you’ll never see a cop. As a matter of fact, you’ll never see a uniformed cop go in for a quick pack of gum or Red Bull. However, you might see the occasional clean-cut plain-clothes kind sitting in their Crown Victoria, and when you do that’s not the day to buy a 7-Up.

Remember: Competition is good and monopoly is bad.



[Note: Pic not mine, I’m a hater of happy faces.]

  1. Fascinating! I may never look at the corner store by my house the same way again. Although I feel pretty safe there and the prices don’t change.

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