Posts Tagged ‘Photography’

CREEPY

Posted: October 9, 2013 in Just Life
Tags: , , , , , ,

CreepyAntoine was right, hide yo kids!

So creepy!

Stop looking at me Ewok!

 

[Note: I don’t know where I found this GIF and it can never be returned for it is forever filed under Nightmares.]

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Today on my way to the Blue Line I noticed one of my hood brothers walking towards me wearing a Batman shirt. This was exciting because I too was wearing a Batman shirt and decided I needed to some how honor our super matching.

I thought about those people who own Volkswagen Beetles and how they wave to one another as if they belong to some elite Beetle club… then I got it… I knew what to do!

With a quick thumbs up and flap of the elbow I threw down my new Bat sign that said:

Yo, look at our badass Batman shirts, what?!!!

The look on his face was nothing more than clear:

Crazy bitch best keep walkin before I give her a Batman beat-down.

BAM

[Note: No one was hurt in the actual making of this post]

Unknown-2

I skipped my Search Engine Sabbath posting on Sunday because I had this feeling I might get struck down by lightening on a perfectly sunny day.  Ever have those kinds of days?

Instead, I decided to take a temporary detour out of the ghetto and cleanse my heathenish ways.

Fast forward: Whole Foods!

In the hood we have Super Fresh, fancy ACME, and the Dollar Tree.

Hitting a Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods is like trying to leave a gang, you just don’t.

So anyway, I grab a cart, and it’s tiny.

WTF? I think to myself, this won’t fit a two-liter case of generic cola and five bags of cheese puffs. My internal rant is then interrupted by a guy saying, “Excuse me, don’t forget to try our fresh pineapple samples.”

Startled, I turn to shank the bastard and he’s a damn pirate. You don’t believe me do you? I couldn’t believe it either so I took a photo as proof.

Whole Foods Pirate

It was a sign! I had to go all the way and here’s what I discovered:

The first produce I come across is Aeroponic Lettuce.

Aeroponic Lettuce

Is this some inside joke about us hood peeps being all hooked on phonics? Well guess what? Us Aeroponics don’t eat lettuce unless it’s on a Big Mac. Jokes on you Whole Food bangers.

Then here come the “hot deals.”

Donut Peach? I might be somewhat ignorant, but I don’t see no hole in that peach. Is that why it’s on sale?

Donut Peach

 

Organic Pluots? Tempting, but sounds like something from the devil. Not today my friend.

Organic Pluots

 

Then here’s where things got freakish. Bananas were not only suspended from racks above my head but this broccoli was on crushed ice, now that’s some real twisted shit.

Broc

I didn’t take a picture of the peanut zone, but let me just share with you that in the hood you never buy nuts from self-scoop bins. This was the first time I didn’t witness some poor dirty little kid elbow deep in cashews stuffing his face. The people scooping nuts were so clean it made me want to suck their fingers! So I bought some nuts.

Just as a side note: Whole Foods should make that scene into a commercial showing why they are better than Hood-Mart.

Then there’s the one item I can’t erase from my mind– this bag of hard-boiled eggs.

Hard boiled in bag

 

BOILED EGGS IN A BAG (GAG)!

However, I do question the intention of the brand name, Born Free. Are they trying to insinuate that the Egg came before the Chicken, cuz that seems to be somewhat sacrilege?

So if you ever need a day out of the hood, head on over to Whole Foods because you won’t want to miss out on this one…

Hemp IMG_5848

 

HEMP!

I plan to cut mine with baking soda and use the profit to try the Vegenaise next time, sounds kinky, right?

 

[Pic credits: Whole Foods logo is not mine, but the thug shots belong to me.]

 

Swoosh2

I’ve decided that Nike is in desperate need of my services.

Have you ever noticed all the Nike check marks on the Phillies players?

  1. Thumb of pitcher’s glove
  2. Shoes
  3. Knee pads
  4. Shirt collars
  5. Wrists of batting gloves
  6. Catcher chest pad or whatever it’s called

To be honest, it’s ridiculous, yet brilliant.

Then me gots ta thinkin’: Hmmm where would I swoosh a player?

  • The crotch of Carlos Ruiz is a perfect Swoosh zone

Ruiz

  • Instead of Eye Black on sunny days, the team could wear Swoosh Strips
  • Maybe even reshape John Lannan’s eyebrows into a simple Uniswoosh. He reminds me of Count von Count, “One pitch, ah, ah, ah!”

count Lannan

  • Clip Swoosh barrettes onto the back of Jayson Werth’s hair. Yes, I’m aware he no longer plays for the Phillies, but he still acts like a pissed off little girl, so he needs some barrettes. (Has anyone else noticed that he looks like creepy Brad Pitt in the movie Kalifornia? Yuck.)

Werth Kalifornia2-650x365

  • I think Comcast Diva Cole Hamels needs a diamond Swoosh earring (camera side of course)

Hamels

  • Lastly, all uniforms shall have the Nike trademark hand stitched on the arse. I call this the Juicy Swoosh.

nike butt

So, dear Nike,

I have dedicated my 100th blog post to you and now you owe me.

Let me help you Swoosh the world.

I can do it if you pay me. Please just let me do it!

Fiercely Yours

 

[Note: Pics are not my own, but I did combine two in order to make the last one… brilliant I know.]

Helmet

The other day I took a bike ride through the cemetery and had a lot of fun.

Fun? Hell yeahs!

See in the hood, cemeteries are the perfect locations for small events like hooker meet-n-greets, dealer conferences, and tweaker trainings.

Some locations even have a community garden where people stand around drinking beer all day, but I wouldn’t advise eating from the fruits of labor. Once you see a homeless man bathing in the rain collection barrel you’ll understand why.

Anyway, back to the fun.

I rode my bike and when I ride my bike I wear a helmet.

FYI no one in the hood wears a helmet, NO ONE except bike cops.

Enter fun.

Every single event at the cemetery came to an end as I cruised along all fuzz like.

The look on peoples punked faces as they exited the grounds were priceless. Yup, not the 5.0, just a nerdy white snitch bitch in a helmet!

It was as the last group left that I decided I no longer want to be cremated. At one time I thought it would be nice to dime bag my ashes amongst the peeps and let them spread me wherever they wanted, but now I see so much more potential in owning a plot.

After all who wants to take the chance of ending up in a junk drawer or on a mantel in a household of screaming brats? Or sold off and snorted by mistake? No thank you.

Instead I want this to be my resting place:

Cemetery

Where trees look like demon rabbits…

Rabbit Tree

Where armless Cindy needs help picking her crotch wedgie…

Armless Cindy

Where groundhogs dig you an escape route for when it’s time to resurrect…

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And where I can eat pizza with George because the party never stops…

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Never stops…

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[Pictures are all my own… for once!]